In an unreal parallel universe, many galaxies away, Ursula von der Leyen gets a phone call from Donald Trump. He wants to shake up the World Cup.

Ahead of the tournament’s opening game, Trump shocks the European Commission president by announcing he wants to add a new squad to the line-up: the European Union.

The reason is obvious. One of the Middle Eastern teams has pulled out under a relentless bombing campaign.

Von der Leyen, never one to ignore a populist opening when it rings her direct line, says yes immediately and instructs her cabinet to hit the phones.

There is, however, a small problem. Ten EU member states are already fielding national teams, and no capital is volunteering to hand over a star player to the Berlaymont.

The last thing she wants is for the EU side to be embarrassed on the world stage. A crisis and another humiliation by the White House loom.

In the next few hours, a team of local heroes from the European institutions comes together.

Thomas Regnier – Position: Defensive midfield. A European Commission spokesperson who holds French and German citizenship, he is responsible for defence and technology, and is often seen skilfully sidestepping press questions at the daily midday briefing. Now 32, Regnier played professional football for several Belgian teams, including KSK Heist and La Louvière. In 2013, he joined KV Woluwe-Zaventem for €75,000, a record-breaking fee – at least for anyone in the spokespersons’ service.

Tom McGrath – Position: Midfielder. The teenage son of Ireland’s European Commissioner Michael McGrath, he signed a professional contract with his local team, Cork City FC, in February this year. He has also captained the Irish Under-17 national team. His father hands out yellow cards for rule-of-law breaches; McGrath junior tries to stay in the good books when it comes to the offside rule.

Caroline Morace – Position: Striker. The Left group’s most prolific goalscorer. The Five Stars politician scored countless goals, including the first-ever hat-trick in the Women’s World Cup. She managed Lazio, the Italian national women’s team, and Canada. Now a first-term MEP, she spends some of her time penning questions to the Commission about footballers’ rights.

Theodoros Zagorakis – Position: Midfielder. An MEP until 2024, Zagorakis won the Euros in 2004 with Greece and was his country’s longest-serving captain. He later joined Kyriakos Mitsotakis, the Greek prime minister’s team, and served as an MEP for a decade on the centre-right, to match his playing style.

Matteo Adduci – Position: Striker/winger. The head of office for Italian centre-left deputy Brando Benifei, Adduci is captaining one of the S&D teams in the final round of the European Parliament Cup, on 26 June. He played in the youth team of Sampdoria.

Andrius Kubilius – Position: Goalkeeper. The former Lithuanian prime minister is, as tradition dictates, picked last for the goal. True, he has no known football pedigree. But he is the defence commissioner, so goalkeeping is technically part of his portfolio, especially if the opposition is Russia. Good at organising (drone) walls, he also has a good command of space, both inner and outer.

Martin Schulz – Position: Somewhere on the centre-left. The former European Parliament president and German Social Democrats leader almost turned pro. According to a longtime collaborator, scouts were in touch with him, and he even received a concrete offer from a Swiss club. But a knee injury put him on a different path.

Olli Rehn. Position: Striker. The former Finnish European commissioner, who handled enlargement and later the economy, played for his hometown club, Mikkelin Palloilijat, in Finland’s top division.

Gianni Rivera: Position: Attacking midfielder. The former MEP has experience as a previous World Cup finalist for Italy, the country that has so often taken the trophy home. He was called the ‘Golden Boy,’ and played in the legendary 1970 final against Brazil.

Glenn Micallef. Position: Left-back. The Maltese commissioner, whose portfolio includes sport, was vice president of the Żabbar St. Patrick Football Club in Malta. He told Euractiv he had lobbied the boss of FIFA, Gianni Infantino, to protect fans attending the World Cup this year.

(bw, mm)